How Do You Know if You're Really In Love?

Nicole took the news in typical fashion. Lots of screaming, lots of swearing. At one point, she threw a pillow at me. Chanel instantly pounced on it with a growl, her ferocious play of it taking any air out of the next five minutes of Nicole's scream.

I offered working a final two weeks; Nicole called me a scheming bitch.

I told her I'd leave any work items in my office; she told me to stick them up my penniless ass.

The woman knows how to win her employee's hearts. But I am glad that she showed her true colors on my exit. It makes me certain that I won't waiver in my resolve. No weak moments of me crawling back to her. No final memory of a sniffling Nicole begging me to stay.

I feel sorry for her child. I feel sorry for Chanel. And I wonder, after seeing the emotion behind Clarke's blowup, if they will stay together. I think they probably will, especially with the baby coming. Clarke seems like he'd be a great father. And who knows, maybe the birth will change Nicole. I'm just glad I won't have anything to do with any of it.

After leaving Nicole's, I swung by the Boston Love Letters set. Hugged Hannah and even had a moment with Joey. The moment involved an awkward hug and a truce of sorts. He apologized for pressuring me to date Vic. I accepted his apology after lecturing him on friendship and boundaries. He offered me tickets to the premiere, whenever that happened, and I cheerfully accepted. Then we hugged and vowed to do lunch next week. As happy as I am to be out of Nicole's life … I would like updates on her drama. And I can't wait to hear the gossip on the set once a bruised and bloodied Paulo shows up.

You know, Benta is still searching for love. Maybe I'll invite her to lunch with us. Gently push them together and see what happens. She is strong enough to keep Joey in line and s#xy enough to keep him interested.

This afternoon, I'm packing. I told Carter that I'd move in with him. Again. But this time not in the midst of s#x, this time my mind was clear and my decision firm. Will it be a mistake? Maybe. But I'm not running into this blindly, him and I have already been through a lot together.

Tonight he is having dinner with his mother. Apparently the private investigator finished his report and she wants to "go over" it with him.  If I could bury myself in cardboard boxes and never come out, I would. He tells me that her decision doesn't matter, that regardless of whether he gets his inheritance or not, that he will stay with me. I hear him say that, but I can't really believe it. That is such a huge leap to make for our relationship. And I don't know if I feel comfortable for causing him to lose his trust fund.

Am I worth that? Changing the direction of his life?

Would I, if I were in the same position, do the same?

My mother taught me, when I was a little girl, that you should always find a man who loves you more than you love him. That way, she explained, you will never get hurt. That is great in theory, and as a child, it made perfect sense. But then I look at Nicole and Clarke. If Nicole loved him more, or at least as much as she loved herself, then she wouldn't have cheated on him.

I don't want to be the aloof woman who has my boyfriend wrapped around my finger. I want to be terrifyingly, madly in love and ready to give up everything for him, for us.

I know that Carter is there. I just want to be there too.