82 Generic White Guy Names And What They Say About His Personality

Christopher Campbell

1. Todd: Wears loafers. Knows specifically what Ralph Lauren line looks best on him.

2. Garrett: Wears glasses, doesn’t need them.

3. Will: From the Northeast, played lacrosse in high school and thought he would be recruited, but wasn’t. Always slightly shorter than you want him to be.

4. Chad: Evil.

5. Brian: Super picky eater. His girlfriend will always end up financially supporting him.

6. Bryan: Totally different from Brian. Wears a lot of Hawaiian shirts.

7. Ryan: Never texts you back because he’s perpetually on some “comedy tour.”

8. Ross: Not conventionally attractive, but super fucking funny.

9. Chase: Joined, like, a super niche indie band and plays the bagpipes and some other instrument nobody has ever heard of. Lives in Europe now because “Europeans appreciate the arts.” Whatever, Chase.

10. Colin: Lives in Patagonia fleeces, no matter what temperature it is outside.

11. Greg: That guy who shows up uninvited to things. The target to be roasted in all group texts. Handles it like a champ.

12. Phillip: Literally always at GameStop.


13. Kurt: You’re friends with him because he has a car and never seems to be doing anything so he always will give you a ride.

14. Connor: Perpetually heartbroken.

15. Jack: Republican.

16. John: Got straight-As in high school and then started drinking in college. Hasn’t stopped drinking since.

17. Ian: Plays World of Warcraft and drinks Monster energy drinks. Still.

18. Spencer: Went surfing once, puts the surfer guy emoji next to his name when he puts his name into your phone.

19. Martin: Is uncomfortable not wearing some kind of argyle print somewhere on his person.

20. Adam: He’s that guy who comments in public Facebook event pages why he can’t attend. Adam, nobody in “The Chainsmoker’s: Metro Nashville Area” cares that you’re bummed you can’t go because you’ll be visiting family in Seattle that weekend.

21. Rob: …

22. Cam: Always texts you about wanting to drop acid on a weekday.

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