82 Generic White Guy Names And What They Say About His Personality

Christopher Campbell

1. Todd: Wears loafers. Knows specifically what Ralph Lauren line looks best on him.

2. Garrett: Wears glasses, doesn’t need them.

3. Will: From the Northeast, played lacrosse in high school and thought he would be recruited, but wasn’t. Always slightly shorter than you want him to be.

4. Chad: Evil.

5. Brian: Super picky eater. His girlfriend will always end up financially supporting him.

6. Bryan: Totally different from Brian. Wears a lot of Hawaiian shirts.

7. Ryan: Never texts you back because he’s perpetually on some “comedy tour.”

8. Ross: Not conventionally attractive, but super fucking funny.

9. Chase: Joined, like, a super niche indie band and plays the bagpipes and some other instrument nobody has ever heard of. Lives in Europe now because “Europeans appreciate the arts.” Whatever, Chase.

10. Colin: Lives in Patagonia fleeces, no matter what temperature it is outside.

11. Greg: That guy who shows up uninvited to things. The target to be roasted in all group texts. Handles it like a champ.

12. Phillip: Literally always at GameStop.


13. Kurt: You’re friends with him because he has a car and never seems to be doing anything so he always will give you a ride.

14. Connor: Perpetually heartbroken.

15. Jack: Republican.

16. John: Got straight-As in high school and then started drinking in college. Hasn’t stopped drinking since.

17. Ian: Plays World of Warcraft and drinks Monster energy drinks. Still.

18. Spencer: Went surfing once, puts the surfer guy emoji next to his name when he puts his name into your phone.

19. Martin: Is uncomfortable not wearing some kind of argyle print somewhere on his person.

20. Adam: He’s that guy who comments in public Facebook event pages why he can’t attend. Adam, nobody in “The Chainsmoker’s: Metro Nashville Area” cares that you’re bummed you can’t go because you’ll be visiting family in Seattle that weekend.

21. Rob: …

22. Cam: Always texts you about wanting to drop acid on a weekday.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Ultimate Guide To Playing With Your Boyfriend’s Ball Sack

Image
Ah, ball play. Is there anything more fun than experimenting with the sack? It’s such a power play. His balls are his prized possessions. Getting up in his ball sack is a big deal. You literally have a man by the balls. It’s very empowering. But other than some classic teabagging or licking, what do you even do with these strange, kind of wrinkly, dangling gumdrops between your man’s legs? Not all women want to put their boyfriend’s balls in their mouths. That’s where handling comes in. How do you fondle a ball sack with the finesse of a true ball prodigy? Here is the ultimate guide to playing with your boyfriend’s ball sack. Go forth and fondle responsibly. The Gentle Jellyfish Female hand fondling a prop scrotum in front of a bright blue background The Gentle Jellyfish is a crowd favorite, ladies. It gets the whole sack into your hand, leaving no inch untouched. Pretend your hand is a jellyfish and your fingers are the tentacles swimming through the water. Place your BF's nut sac
Read more

Are You Just a Substitute Girlfriend? Here Are Solid Signs

Image
If there's one thing you must know about me, it's that I have a type and that type is "unavailable." It's something that started when I was in high school. Crushing on guys who weren't attainable, whether it was because they had girlfriends or because they didn't even know I existed, was an easy way to pretend I wanted to commit to a relationship when I was, in reality, terrified of the idea. Keep that in mind when I tell you about Kyle*, the first guy I met after moving to New York City from Amherst, Massachusetts. At the time, I felt like I was ready to find someone I could date, and Kyle, with his flannel shirts and hipster glasses, seemed like an excellent contender for the role of boyfriend. We worked together, and when the two of us were teamed up for a project, we high-fived. "This will be great," he e-mailed when we got back to our desks. "I was really hoping I would get to work with you." We quickly developed a routine of near-
Read more

My Boss Asked Me To Wear A Short Skirt To Work So He Could Have S#x With Me In The Office

Image
It had been a long weekend since I sl#pt with my boss — since he caught me in a very compromising p#sition and finished the act himself — but I was still surprised that I hadn’t heard from him right away afterward. I’m not sure what I expected, flowers on my desk, a proclamation of love, a promotion (?), a wink as he walked by? This was all new territory for me. Click to continue
Read more